Moments of Truth...
by Phoebsfan
Summary: The heart of the matter. Max tells Logan about Zack and her new heart. A feel good conversation that deals with the question of how Max feels about Zack's sacrifice.


Moments of Truth…

Disclaimer: did you think I owned them…sorry to let you down then.  

Rating: PG language.

Summery: Max tells Logan about Zack's heart.

Spoilers: Season two…anything I've seen if fair game…that would be up to Some Assembly Required…however I don't think that I will be using much if any.

AN: this is not going to be a long drawn out Saga. It is meant to stand alone.  If you want more sorry, I do have other fics you could read however…J  flame me, criticize me, praise me, I love feedback not only does it fuel me but it gives me opportunities to grow as a writer.  So take the five minutes and do your part.

            Max had been staring out his window ever since she'd arrived two hours ago, and Logan was beginning to worry about her.  It took everything in him not to reach out and touch her arm, which was hanging a mere foot from him.  Everything about her stance warned him that she was vulnerable right now, that she needed time, and to come out of this on her own.  It was a private battle that he couldn't help her with, other then to sit and just be there.

            Problem was he didn't know how long he could simple exist in a room with Max in the obvious distress she was experiencing.  Her pain cut him, and right now, he wondered if he'd have enough blood to stay alive long enough for her to start to heal.  Because it was taking her forever.

            Finally when he couldn't take it any longer, and was about to drag it out of her, she turned to him with watery eyes.

            "I never asked him to." Was all she managed before the silent tears slipped from her deep chocolate depths.

            "Sit down." Logan commanded gently, and Max moved to comply, finding a seat across from his chair.  Max wanted nothing more then to join Logan in the small chair he had claimed, wanted nothing more then to fall into his arms and sleep.  She was exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally.  She had come over looking for a quiet place to just be, without any problems, without any responsibilities, or stress.  She used to find that here, Logan used to be able to take away all her pain, and leave her feeling so comfortable and free, like nothing in the world mattered, she could just push pause for awhile and simple exist.  No one would be hunting her down; no one would tie her to Manticore.

            Tonight however had been different.  Letting go of Zack had hit her harder then she had thought.  Up on the Needle it had been better.  There she had been able to justify her choice, now she felt awful about the whole thing.  Ever since leaving Manticore things had seemed to pile up on her, Zack, the virus, the others, it was a never-ending cycle that she tried hard not to think about.  Zack's sudden reappearance in her life, short lived as it was, brought up certain questions, and feelings she'd tried hard to push to the back of her mind, where they could be swallowed without a further thought.

            "You didn't need to." Logan calmly spoke the words he hoped would help heal his wounded friend.

            "I didn't want this Logan.  I didn't want his heart.  I'm glad I am still here, but Zack was so much better.  Zack would have known what to do; I just fail until I get it right. It's my fault he is where he is. It's my fault he had to suffer so much.  Why couldn't he let me die?" she spit out angrily, swiping the betraying tears away in rage.  Zack wouldn't have cried.

            "Max. He loves you; you're his baby sister.  Do you think he had any other choice?  He made a sacrifice so that you could live and get out.  I don't think for one minute that he has, or will ever regret doing what he did.  It isn't your fault.  Things happen we have no control over.  Guess we just have to learn to live with what life throws at us." Logan tried to offer reason to calm her troubled eyes.  He only hoped he could get through to her.  She seemed bent on beating herself up tonight.

            "I know that, its just making myself believe it that's hard.  How do you do it Logan?  Learning to live with what life throws at you." Max offered in a half whispered purr.  Logan took her tone as an invitation, and he quietly changed his seat to one next to her on the couch, all the while making sure not to get too close. It was times like this the virus bugged them the most.  Times when all he wanted to do was hold her hand, or put his arm around her for comfort, instead they were reduced to sitting there, wanting to help each other but finding the task nearly impossible.

            "It starts small.  People say you have to do it one day at a time, that's crap though.  It's moment to moment that really counts.  A lot can happen in a day.  Worlds can crumple in an instant.  Day to day can feel like an eternity.  The people in your life can help too." He offered leaving it open.

            Max smiled, she recalled lying in her bunk at Manticore, knowing she had to get out if only for Logan.  He'd been her anchor; he'd kept her sane.  Manticore hadn't won because he'd been in her life.

            "Nah. I don't believe that people crap." Max smiled clearly being sarcastic.

            "Yeah, I don't know what nut came up with that one." He added, playing back.

            "Thank you by the way." she softened.

            "What for?" Logan asked perplexed.

            "Oh nothing really.  Besides letting me run when I need to, showing me I don't need to run, I don't know always being there for me, calling me to do absurd things you know you don't need me to do.  And the food doesn't hurt either." Max joked around the subject, trying not to let her words carry so much obvious weight.

            "And here I thought the food was the only reason you hung around here anymore." He mocked, letting her know it was okay.

            "Well it is tempting.  But I prefer the company more, at least today that is." She grew bolder.

            "Well thank you. I do try to please that palate of yours.  Guess I'll just have to brush up on my conversational skills, then everything can be perfect for you." Logan knew she still needed the conversation to be light and impersonal.  She had been scared in the past to go to far and it was something she was still learning to deal with.  They were closer than before, but some things were still hard to deal with.

            "Don't bother.  I don't think it will help." She offered, bored.   

            "That hopeless huh?" he sighed.

            "No. I wouldn't call it hopeless."  Max offered, in thought.

            "What would you call it then?" Logan questioned her furrowed brow.

            "I don't know." She answered stumped.

            "Thank you too." He jumped back to their previous topic.  Max had risked a lot telling him that, and he knew he had to offer something too.  It wasn't as hard as Logan thought it would be though, for he found the words bubble to the surface with the mere thought of thanking her for being in his life.

            "Lets not go through the whole dance this time." Max referred to their little "for what" game, pulling a face.

            "I love the way you do that." Logan remarked.

            "What?" she asked confused.

            "Nothing." He wasn't about to tell her that he loved the way she pulled all her cute little faces, that he loved the way she danced around things, that he loved the way she always had some kind of smart remark.  It wouldn't do either of them any good to have it out in the open when there was nothing to be done about it.

            "No what do I do?" Max insisted daring him with her eyes. Logan turned away from her incriminating stare and continued with the reasons he was thanking her.

            "Anyway thank you for being my cat burglar, and putting up with my crap.  For being so messed up myself you don't look half that bad." 

            "And here I thought you were only using me for your benefit." Max joked playing their previous game anyway.

            "Nah." Logan denied with a comical face of disbelief and assurance.  The two sat in silence digesting what was said, thinking about the roles they played in each other's lives, and simply existing.  Sometimes that was all anyone really needed.

            "I mean it you know." Max suddenly said out of nowhere catching Logan's reaction from the corner of her eye, not yet willing to look him in the eye when she admitted it.

            "So do I." He answered openly and as honestly as he could.

            "I wasn't planning on telling you this, crud if Zack hadn't of come knocking I wouldn't have let that out either, but while I was at Manticore…" She continued finding that she couldn't just drop the emotional turmoil, she had to instead; get it out in the open.  Logan could help her and he really deserved to know.

            "You don't have to if you don't want to…" Logan offered sensing her obvious discomfort and her hesitation at continuing. He didn't want her to feel as if she was obligated to tell him anything.  Much as he wished she'd just open up to him and pour her heart out, he knew he had no right to expect it.

            "It isn't a question of want Logan, I need to tell you." She said suddenly turning to face him again.  Before continuing however she dropped her eyes to her lap.  "When I was back at Manticore, they did some horrible things to try and get me to turn.  It was tempting Logan, I wanted it to stop and they promised to stop, but I couldn't stop see.  There was this guy I knew and he needed me to be okay for him.  I wanted to be ok for him.  See we met in an unusual way and we both felt something we couldn't admit or deny, so we played around with it, tested its limits, drove each other and our friends crazy with it.  Then finally one night after I had done something I thought he could never forgive me for, he told me that he knew who I was…So you see, I couldn't possible change on him.  He'd given me so much in the year I'd known him." She ended looking in his eyes, searching for something to make her visibly open soul seem less then it was, trying to make Logan see how much he meant to her but still stay distant enough that if things turned sour she could deny it away.

            "You two sleep together?" Logan joked sensing her hesitancy.

            "Logan, no.  Get your mind out of the gutter, it was never like that with us." Max smiled but chastised at the same time, clearly enjoying the joke and thanking Logan for his understanding.

            "Did you want it to be?" He suddenly asked seriously, digging into her eyes for the answer.

            "Yes and no." Max answered simply.

            "Oh that is so much clearer." He laughed still not breaking eye contact.

            "Yes there were times when I just wanted him to sweep me off my feet and carry me to his bedroom but then there were other times when I wanted to run from him.  This thing we had was intense.  I wasn't ready for that and neither was he.  I'm glad we didn't but I am also sad because now that I'm ready or I at least think I'm ready, we can't." she ended frustrated.

            "Well that sux." Logan knew the frustration she was feeling very well, so he joked to lighten the conversation and make her smile again.

            "Are you making this difficult on purpose?" Max smiled for him.

            "Well I was trying to." He playfully admitted but then grew serious again. He wanted her to know that she meant just as much to him as he did to her so he played along with her game.  "I never felt her leave.  That's how I knew she'd come back.  Knowing that fact kept me from insanity.  See I knew this girl, who, much like this guy you knew, loved to test the limits.  It drove me insane at times and I had to brush her off.  She didn't know how close she got to me.  She didn't know how wild she made me.  I wanted nothing more then to claim her as my own, and by some unwritten and unspoken mutual agreement, we both pulled ourselves from the playing field.  We danced better then anyone else ever could, but we danced around each other.  Finally my opportunity to show her I was more then half a man arrived, but she was torn over a mistake she'd made because of things she couldn't control, and the surprise was forgotten when I stood to comfort her.  See, I wasn't perfect and I had this weird obsession with the thoughts that I wasn't good enough for her unless I could walk.  Oh she tried to tell me otherwise but I couldn't drop it, that was one of the reasons we danced for so long."

            "She wasn't perfect either." Max offered trying to make it easier on him.

            "Hey I didn't interrupt you." Logan joked smiling at her and receiving an answering smile, then turning away he continued.  "Anyway, suddenly she was ripped from my life but I never felt her leave.  I needed her close and so I kept her close.  I'd told her I knew who she was, and I did.  I knew she wouldn't let them win, she was always way to competitive for that." He ended smiling moronically, winning a devilishly evil smile from Max.

            "I'd hit you if I could." 

            "Lucky me." He played.

            "So why are we sitting here together then?" Max joked sarcastically hinting that they should be with the ones they obviously had feelings for, and not sitting together.

            "You know I don't know." Logan matched her sarcasm. 

            "Hmmm.  We're pathetic." She spit out softly, reflectively.

            "Hopelessly so." He also reflected.

            "Zack once told me it was all sentimental lies." Max admitted softly after a brief pause.

            "You believe him?" Logan questioned honestly wanting to know her answer.

            "No. How can I?  He made it all to clear that it wasn't.  You don't give someone your heart over sentimental lies." She continued with a conviction and passion that surprised but pleased him all the same.

            "No you don't." he agreed. 

            "It takes love." She continued.

            "Honesty." He added.

            "Trust." With her last word she met his eyes, knowing he was thinking the same thing.

            "Mmmmnn" was all he could mutter in answer.

            "Its late." She offered to change the subject in case it was going to far.

            "Yup." Logan offered to let her know that it wasn't.  The two then turned their attention to watching the skies of Seattle weep.  Max found it oddly fitting. It added to the comfort of the room.  Inside with Logan she found she felt safe and more at ease then she had been in a long time.

            "I wouldn't trust anyone else with it." Max admitted after a reflective pause, referring to her heart. Still she didn't look at him. Logan knew what she was talking about however and he turned to face her as he answered.

            "Me neither."  He caught a flicker of a smile briefly dance across her lips but end when she noticed him watching her.

            "Logan…" she continued watching the rain.

            "Hmmm?" Smiling he turned to the window to watch with her.

            "Sometimes I just want to hold your hand." She finally turned back to face him.  Logan understood what she meant.  It was a simple request, letting him know that sometimes it wasn't earth shattering; sometimes it was just simple.

            "I know."

            "Do you think that…"

            "What, what is it?" Logan turned to face her when she stopped but found that she had turned to the window again.  He wondered if there would ever be a time when they could say these things to each other with out looking away.

            "Nothing…just wondering if Zack will like it out there."

            "If he doesn't he has the freedom to leave.  You gave that to him Max.  By letting him go you saved more then me, you saved him too." 

            "Doesn't make it any easier though does it?"

            "If only it could." He broke off.

            "Mind if I crash here tonight?"

            "I never mind.  I'll go get the guestroom ready." Logan stirred, but Max held him back with her comment.

            "No Logan. Right here, with you."  "I just…I just don't feel like being alone tonight." He smiled at her and her eyes lit up and answered with a smile of their own.

            "I'll be right back, I have an idea." He said rising to leave.

            "Hurry?" she questioned with a slight waver in her voice.  Suddenly his apartment felt vast without him right next to her on the couch.

            "Of course." He smiled and didn't leave until she smiled back.

            Logan returned a minute later with an armload of blankets and pillows.

            "What?!" Max laughed in confusion at the sight of him.  It looked like he was planning on providing beds for the entire Logan Cale brigade.

            "You'll see." He sat down next to her on the couch and proceeded to cover himself with one of the blankets and used several pillows to support his back.

            "Come here." He gestured, with, what Max now noticed, was a gloved hand.  Gladly she crawled into his lap, not afraid of infecting him with the blanket as a barrier.

            "This isn't all that smart you know." Max offered as he wrapped another blanket around her and she settled into the nest his blanket encased arms offered.

            "Sometimes you have to take a few risks." Was all he said.

            "If you keel over on me it was your idea." Max offered suddenly growing uncomfortable with the idea that this very well could go wrong incredibly fast.

            "I don't plan on going anywhere." He soothed.  It was enough for her.

            "Good. Cause I can get kinda cranky when I'm awakened rudely like that."

            "Just don't drool on me ok?" Logan offered smiling as she settled.

            "Logan Cale, I do not drool. You do." She stated turning her head to look at his face.

            "You do too, and how would you know if I drooled or not?" he questioned playfully.

            "I have my ways…and pillows aren't supposed to talk so be quiet." Max answered grumpily.

            "What if I refuse to?"

            "I'll tell everyone that you suck your thumb in your sleep." She smiled mischievously.

            "I do not." He denied as if he had been offended.

            Max only looked at him knowing otherwise.

            "It was a nervous habit." Logan admitted sheepishly.

            "Hey no complaints from me, I think it's kinda cute."  She comforted his bruised ego and searched for his hand.

            "I've got to change my locks." He allowed, as he found her hand and grasped it firmly through the blankets.

            "Wouldn't do you any good."

            "True.  Good thing."

            "Very good thing."  Smiling Max rested her head on his covered chest once more, making sure to stay as far from his exposed skin as possible, and let the sound of his heart lull her to sleep, her own heart matching his.


End file.
